THE LACK OF SELF EXPRESSION

THE LACK OF SELF EXPRESSION

There is this tiny person in my head, that is fighting to come out, to show herself but then I stop her and I lock her up in the dark. But she screams, loud, and scratches the walls of my head so hard, it hurts.
I want to express myself, am dying to do it, so much that when I see my friends do it, I feel sad, almost jealous of them that at least they can. I want to dye my hair wild colors of turquoise and gray, pierce every part of my body that I can. I want to wear simple baggy ass clothes that are unique and unpredictable, to make fun videos of myself doing fun something, maybe dancing or miming to a song, making it my own, with the best graphics there is, videos that tell a real story. I want to animate, put my imagination down on paper and I want to show it all off. Deep down I want to be that person. To take care of myself in a way that I think is right for me. But then again I cant do it. I am not being myself and its depressing.
Am 21 years old and I have never done anything for myself that stands as proof, except prick my ears and mother was not pleased . And according to society, (society makes us do things just to please it, so that we are categorized as normal,so that we aren’t rejected by it) am almost at marrying age , like in 3 years or so. And I fear, when will I be “me” and not someone someone else wants me to be? Am afraid I might never get to do it.
Why I cant express myself, you ask? It’s the fear of rejection, judgement. It’s the low self esteem (I think) , the lack of money or resources, the embarrassment. Those are the excuses I come up with to stop myself. Not that I haven’t tried, I have, you know, to put myself out there. But there is this thing that stops you. It falls in your way and blocks you. It’s invisible but it’s there because you can feel it. It’s heavy, weighs you down and you just stop.

This is the first time ever that I have written something and actually put it out there. It aint much or perfect but it is something and am happy I have done it so I give myself a BIG TICK.(smiley kinda proud emoji)

By Kauthara Mirembe