I’m afraid to fall asleep, because God forbid I choose to stay asleep forever.
What if, I deliberately remain asleep because it’s peaceful? I do not have to deal with this abandonment and do not get me started on the constant migraines and stomach knots.
Or maybe… what I’m truly afraid of is the damnation that will befall my poor soul dare I choose to sleep for eternity.(sheds a tear)
I wonder why I long for this eternal sleep? Is it because I’m unhappy?? Wait…what is happy?? Or is it happiness??
I guess I would say happiness is a state of mind. But what state is that? Or maybe; happiness is a gift in a delivery package.
“You cannot be thinking about taking that whole bottle of diazepam.” I say to myself.
“Why not? I told the doctor I wasn’t crazy but he insisted so now I’ll show him who’s crazy for giving the other a whole bottle of diazepam!” says me still.:)
There are nights when the world feels heavy and it’s genuinely unfair to keep up the okay facade , so on those nights that’s the kind of conversation I hold with myself.
Because it’s on those nights that I wear my demons and back slide and I beg myself to hold on to another sunrise ( not to go to sleep), to fight the temptation because what if I cannot wake myself up!!
On those nights I am genuinely unhappy. Not to fear though I am working diligently on finding that state of mind called happiness.
But until then, I’ll be waiting on that gift in the delivery package.
BY SONIA SALIM